Three paw prints on my heart

It's so hard for me to write this. I can't stop crying, my heart is aching. The love I have for my dogs is so strong and pure. I love and miss you so much CC. I lost my dog, my best friend, CC about a year and a half ago. He was everything to me. I love him so much and miss him with all my heart everyday. The day we lost him, my heart felt as if it had stopped. To this day, I wonder (and beat myself up over) if I had anything to do with his passing. Not physically of course. But emotionally. I had been staying with my mom and aunt for a few months before he passed away. I actually came back the night before he passed. I would see him a couple times a week for a tiny bit but it wasn't nearly enough. And I can't imagine what it did to him. I know he would always lay down outside my door waiting for me to come home and I never did. Well rarely did. Because that house gave me anxiety. I was staying away for my own health but I didn't realize his health was deteriorating. And I am sure that if I was there, I would have noticed how bad he had gotten. He was going blind for awhile but we found out the day he died, he had very bad stomach problems and a heart murmur. He couldn't even stand up! How could my family not notice his pain? His suffering? I am so sad and terribly sorry to him and for him that he went through that his last few months. But also, I wasn't even there. I wasn't there for my baby boy. He was the best dog any family could have ever asked for. Without him, the house felt so lonely. I couldn't bear to stay there once again, so I left to stay with my aunt. My dad felt the same way for him and we both cried for him everyday. Three weeks after his passing, we found two lovely girls at a shelter in LA. They were border collie German shepherd mixes. Some might say that's too soon for another dog, but they helped me heal in so many ways. I could never thank them enough. I love those girls as much as I did CC. And I'm sitting here today, remembering, mourning for CC and missing all three. Because they are moving to Massachusetts with my dad and step mom. They are my world. And I'm losing them. This past year and a half has been wonderful getting to know these beautiful dogs. I swear they are little tiny humans. I love them so much, it really hurts. I wanted to buy them off of my dad but of course the answer was no. I just hope that they have the best life possible and are loved their whole lives. I hope they don't forget me. Or do forget me if that makes them less sad. They cry everytime they first see me because I don't live there anymore. But now neither do they. They leave on a flight at 4am tomorrow morning so I have about 8 hours left to see them. It's going to be really hard to say my final goodbye. I thought it was last night but I decided I need to see them today. I have been crying like this everyday and I know everyone is going to think I'm weird or stupid for having this much love towards an animal but that's because y'all don't understand. They are my best friends. And I won't get to spend their lives with them. All three of us have built a bond so strong through my depression, anxiety, I was always home and they were always there for me. I have a terrible relationship with my dads wife and my dad sometimes. That's a long, complicated, and heartbreaking story so we can leave that for another time. So I probably won't see them for years or ever if it comes to that. You will be updated if it happens or never does. I just really needed to talk to someone and when I couldn't, I thought why not just talk to you guys. This is kind of like talking to myself in a way as well so it's very cleansing.

I am really going to miss you Vixen and Clarice. I love you so much and always will. You guys are my heart. I now have not one, but three paw prints forever on my heart.



I hope everyone is having a fabulous week.

Canna Queen