Hope and confusion

I feel like I’m living in La La Land feel like I’m only living in a dream I feel like I’m never gonna be able to get what I want again the world is so confusing the world is so judge mental it’s like I go back in I look at the mistakes I’ve made and I go back and I look at the mistakes others have made and everyone always gets a second chance and I always wonder why I don’t get a second chance or maybe I’m just too blind to see it maybe that’s why I don’t always think I deserve happiness because I’m too blind to see it I had someone along time ago show me that it was OK to open your eyes to see the world even when you were at your darkest points I lost that special person couple months ago and I honestly don’t know what to do I don’t know how to walk around I don’t know what to do with myself I don’t know who to talk to. I don’t know how to hang out with anyone. I feel so lost and confused in the back of my mind I’m thinking it’ll be OK it’ll be OK if everything is meant to be it’ll be meant to be right that’s what everyone says right I dream every fucking day for just little bit a hope! I wonder if it’s true when they say if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be you know I wander if they say people do come back again you know I hate sitting here and I’m losing my mind my brain can’t take it my heart definitely can’t take it
I’m just so lost at this point I don’t know what to do with myself I tried to be positive I try to go out and about I try to do all the things that everyone says it’ll make me feel better but my mind in my heart won’t let me feel better I go out distract myself and the next thing you know I want to sit there and cry I don’t but it’s just what happens I go to sleep and I have fucking four dreams at once that turn into a nightmare.. I honestly have lost it. I keep repeating myself saying the same shit over and over again it’s like I either don’t want to be happy or I don’t deserve to be Happy or what I need help!