My Feelings

Today is not a good day for me. I'm not feeling like myself, and feeling very sad. I know my moods can change drastically depending on my interactions with people. I try to control it and not let it get the best of me. I talk with my boyfriend about it, but I think he's done and tired of listening to the same thing. I know! I'm tired and done with feeling this way. To me, talking about it helps me.

To top it off, social media is very draining to me. If my feed is full of negative and ignorant things, I tend to get angry and sad. Today was not a good day for me on social media. I tend to have strong opinions and I'm not afraid of standing up for what I believe in. I was told that, that is the reason why people don't like me or I rub them the wrong way. They don't like how opinionated I am and how I'm strong in my convictions. They don't like that I'm a strong woman who will stand up for whats right. I didn't realize that was a bad thing.

Then it dawned on me how little support I receive from my "friends". I'm in the process of moving from NY to CO. I will be moving in less then 3 weeks. I asked, for the first time in my life, for help. I've never reached out for any type of help or support before, but could really use some now. I was asking for support in any way people wanted to give it, whether it be financially or just words of encouragement. In all honesty, I just wanted to know people cared and to offer their words of encouragement. Times are tough for everyone. People have families and bills to pay. I get it.

I'm just over being the supportive one to people and not getting boo back. It opened my eyes to how unreal people can be with you. Of course, my best friend was upset with me, but it was not directed to people who do support me, which is, just her.

Now, I kind of feel guilty that I told all my so called "friends" that I don't feel their support. Now they are coming out the woodwork giving me words of support. I feel like those are guilt driven. How do I feel bad all over again?

I never meant to throw myself a pity party because that is what it straight up sounds like. This is why I find it extremely difficult to reach out to people. I don't want a handout and I don't want pity. I just want to be acknowledged as a person, as someone who cares for others and supports others. I always offer my support and just give it freely. I'm not rolling around in money and can't help people out that way, but I will do everything else to help and support someone.

I'm sorry for dumping this here. I feel comfortable enough that people won't criticize me for being me. I wish I was not at work and that I was home right now. Then I could smoke and put things into perspective. Life never gets easier as you get older, we just have the option of saying no.