Sweet_sour_kimiko
by on May 14, 2020
19 views

Hi everyone! I have been thinking about this topic since the quarentine started. I have always identified as an introvert, I felt like all social interactions exhausted me; especially if I felt I was awkward or didn't act accordingly to that situation. All group hang outs stresses me out so much, meeting new people makes me sweat, being the center of attention makes me stumble my words and my body shakes. 
It's easier to just understand that I'm introverted and have social anxiety, I don't need a lot of friends just a few good ones that I'm fully comfortable with and that's it. 
But it started to show a pattern that I was never happy with my social life. I was always jealous of all the activities my friends were doing, admired their ability to hold a conversation in a group and make everyone laugh, make friends with a new person at a party. I had a lot of anxiety about going places, but I always wanted to go. I just wanted someone to go with me or a real reason to go like an event rather than just showing up and hanging out in a bar. But why? Why did I always want to be social? Why do I want to change so badly? Why do I hate it when I don't make more friends? Why do I always worry about if someone will notice me, without wanting to be noticed? I don't actually think being introverted is bad. I think I just couldn't accept that I wasn't introverted because of my anxiety. 
My social anxiety absolutely EXHAUSTS me. So much so that I can't help but take an overview of my conversations with people and evaluate how much they might think I'm funny or cool or interesting, if I managed to annoy them so they won't want to talk to me again, and then try to imagine how I should have acted in order to maintain their affection and then force myself to act different. It's too much, of course I'm exhausted. I don't want to not be around people, I love when my anxiety is gone and I just hang out with someone all day long or all week long. Who cares, if I'm happy and comfortable around them and they like me, I will spend all my energy on them. I feel so sad when I don't hang out or talk to anyone in even just a few days. 
I am extroverted with social anxiety. It's absolutely the challenging mindset to overcome. I try really hard to be nice to myself, to just relax and let whatever happens be and move on. Don't criticize yourself. But one weird thing I do and then I never hear from that person again...the anxiety comes back. I hurt my own feelings by believing I did this, I don't deserve friends because I'm too weird. When I'm at parties no one actually likes talking to me, they're all waiting for a chance to get away. And then the friend contacts me again, showing me again my fears are in my head. 
This quarentine is really hard. I want my friends back. I want bars and parties and beaches and do everything out there with everyone. I don't want to be shy and scared. I want to be video chatting and texting and calling to make sure everyone knows I'm here for them. I am afraid of their rejection. But one day I'll have the right tribe around me that won't forget about me and I won't avoid them. 
My confidence is already rising with 420Nurses and I'm happy to say I've been loving being online and talking with everyone and networking. Becoming a model is so cool and I'm making this happen for myself. I want to be out there travelling and meeting other nurses and doing photo shoots and so much more. 
I may also have a secret dream of being a musical theatre actress, a triple threat. As if 😭

One day I'll become who I hoped to become. Someone okay with who they are no matter who sees them. 

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3 people like this.
KrystaSistaa
Yes lover I absolutely love this! I have been thinking about doing one for myself as well because I have pretty much the same experiences and feelings how crazy we are so alike 😱😘😘
Sweet_sour_kimiko
I figure others would understand :) thank you!!
PhoenixBayBee
Thank you for sharing your an amazing person. With so much strength and so admirable. Thank you
Sweet_sour_kimiko
Oh wow thank you 🥰