by on December 17, 2015
I had next to perfectly written this blog so well the first time then I back clicked on my mouse and it erased everything so round 2 might sound less genuine just know I mean my words and I love all of you...

I love 420 Nurses.
I love trying, staying motivated, expanding and exploring this life.
I need more from this life than just smoking, eating, sleeping etc.

I am extremely grateful for all of you.
I had perfect words to describe it but I already wrote them out and after I free-write something out from my head, like writing in a diary, it erases from my head mostly, at least until the passion flows back so I am sorry if this blog doesn't sound as genuine as I would've liked.

I have head problems.
We all have our battles.
A lot of mine are social and mental which is why I have been less active on here and I am sorry to anyone who feels I have ignored them.

I thought being home would make me wanna stay, happy maybe and stray from my dreams of wanting to keep traveling and experiencing new things, but it has done nothing but enhance these dreams and wants to get the truck out of my hometown.

I live in heroin city, full of addicts and people who expect shit to just drop on their laps.
I am willing to die for beliefs and wants in this life.
Every day I lose more and more desire for vanity.
All I want is to start actually contributing to the healthier side of life and fixing our world,
not exactly sure where or how to start...
but I've felt mentally out-of-it lately, zombie like, numb, sad, heavy, can't even function proper sentences or simple responses to others.
For some damn reason I feel the need to parrot back what someone just said to me, or i stutter or talk in circles, even though I responded normally in my head..
I feel like I use to be so much fun and under control;
finding myself all over, functioning college, home, work, taking care of medical issues, unable to stabilize my anxiety, and building social skills, has been somewhat extremely difficult for me, and it's why I haven't shown too much activity lately.

I love, almost everyday being inspired, slightly to greatly, from witnessing so many of you, nurses/patients/fans, keep on keeping on every day.

It has been amazing to be able to form friendships with a lot of you.
Unfortunately I think i've burned a bridge from a girl I really took a liking to due to stinky boys, secondhand stories and twisted words but it is what it is and you can't make someone see differently. I still think highly of her and is willing to be a friend always.

There are so many different faces and stories on here,
So many of you go through what i've gone through in different ways and severer cases,
it has truly been a blessing to have discovered the 420 Nurse family and watch you strong souls pull through and smile every day.

Just being where I am right now, I probably won't be as active for the next month or two.
I have a lot of my 19yr old plate for me to functionally handle, and I really am trying..

I will not cut/burn my body
I will not smoke cigarettes
I will not use hard drugs
I will not cheat myself or morals

Made my list.
I will come back stronger but until then

I think about you all every day, to not give up,

don't give up on me and I won't stop loving all of you <3

Happy Thursday and last couple weeks of 2015
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